Thinking about One’s Previous Lifestyle gets One Stuck
Illustration by Heather D
Each week in the Divorce Support Group, Schuyler and I have the members do a “check in” time. So often, it becomes scenarios about their partners:
- I thought I was moving forward until I sat in church Sunday and saw the couple ahead of me holding hands. I thought, how could he do this to me and our family? How do I get over his coldness? I cried all afternoon.
- I learned so much from the material last week. I tried to discuss the information with my spouse and she was not interested. Why can’t she get it? She has to understand that she is ruining our lives.
- I thought I was getting over him until he picked up the kids and I started remembering all the dreams we had planned. How could he leave our family?
- I thought we were happy and here she is spending all her time in her career. How could she do this? I can’t accept that she would choose her career over us.
We let the members continue to make these comments for about 3 months, and then make a point of telling them that we no longer choose to hear about the other partner. (The reader might want to check out the chapter on Boundaries in my book.) We can only assist the attending members in their healing. We can do nothing to change their spouse’s behaviors. We are concerned with what they are doing to change their responses to these behaviors.
Please understand that this is not a situation of not caring for their partners. It is a matter of breaking the habit of continually thinking about previous times and letting these thoughts control their days. This is referred to as “getting stuck”.
Healing requires growing and changing. Constantly putting our thoughts into “rewind” stops forward action. God promises joy and abundant life but we must be looking forward to grab it. It is all up to you, Do you choose to go through your life coping with divorce or recovering from it?
Snap on this link for a humorous lesson on applying this concept.